This “quote” came into my mind yesterday. I don’t know if it holds any truth … i think it does but then, i haven’t actually thought about it. It’s more a gut feeling. Am i right if i’m thinking that the greatest games come either from small but dedicated teams, or a team lead by a game-designing maestro – and a passionate leader – and an occassional dictator? And why do i have to think Peter … Peter … hmmm … english guy with a french surname. Darn, can’t remember.
Yet another thought … i’ve been doing that a lot lately btw. All in preparation for a possible GDC talk. So, here’s the thought: don’t lock yourself in, or out (no, i’m not talking about forgetting your keys). You may think you do the best of your work alone. And while that may be true, it is absolutely critical to balance that with collaboration, participation and socializing. Easier said than done … more often or not, you can’t lock yourself out to get work done because you’re working with others, sharing a room or even a hall. You have basically no way to escape the collaboration, participation or socializing that happens around you, distracts you. Since you don’t get any quality work done you get anxious, easily upset, and eventually frustrated or even depressed. I’ve been there. In turn, you’re trying to avoid that as much as possible (been there too) so you end up with less and less collaboration, participation or socializing. It’s a downward spiral, behold! Don’t look into the light!
Share your passion! I was wondering if i should name my talk “Share your passion!” even though i’m not even sure what kind of message i really want to convey, or how. But it feels like a good start. It’s just … i don’t think i showed passion for a long time, not for a prolonged time certainly. So it’s also a reminder and a reinforcement to myself to do that more often. Stay true to your words. Put my money where my mouff iff. Ippf rylly haad to takf wipf a moufful off monee!
Passion is contagious! True. The bad thing is, people can also get really passionate about all the wrong things. Blow them out of proportion. It too ends up infecting people, spreading like a virus, hurting morale and motivation. It’s a double edged sword, swung to the wrong side by doubt and pessimism. So for a leader, or any role model, it’s really important to be passionate in just the right ways. Jesus Christ, that’s f**king hard! But someone’s gotta do it. After all, we’re but humans and have to learn our ropes. I believe the best leader is both a caring teacher and a motivated student. If in doubt, inquire! And don’t squeeze out cheesy motivational speeches, yikes! Yay, doing great, huray, gratz, we love you all, see you next year.
Blogging. In a way it’s what i did 15 years ago on Compuserve. Putting myself out there. Earning respect. Getting feedback. Being recognized. Almost inadvertently summoning opportunities. Here i go again!
“I was just following orders.” … an excuse we know from soldiers. But, is that something that also applies to (large) game development teams? Not happy with a design decision but implementing it anyway? Don’t like the art style but still drawing those awkward squiggles? Questioning yourself why you’re doing this but still doing it? And how seductive is a steady income, stock options and a 9-5 job really? Enough to let all the passion go and just do yer frackin’ job?
It really matters who you’re working with. So obvious, right? But how does it matter? Not so easy. And typically, people around you aren’t all that bad – it’s just that you have to work with them. And you got work to do, too. So you would rather avoid them, instead of cooperating? Or on the contrary, how about collaborating with the people at work because they’re also your friends after work? How much better is that? … Of course team size matters, too. On a small team, you even go to dinner every day with the people you don’t like. You’re still connected because you’re all in it together. On a large team, you can basically just do two things: spread yourself thin, meaning keep shallow connections with lots of people – or maintain strong relationships with only few people, creating either a jelled team or a clique of jerks – depending on how you’re seen from the outside. And what the team/clique thinks overrides anything the company, or management, desires from you. So it’s crucial to build small jelled teams and align them with the business goal(s). But how? Ah yeah, see above: must … have … great … leaders. Will pay money. Go directly to hell. Do not collect tax. I should mention that it’s really incredibly hard to break people out of habits. It can’t be forced, it can only be encouraged and must be nurtured. Ever tried that on yourself? A diet maybe? Quit smoking? Switching from car to bike?
I once had passion for computer hardware. Building computers and fixing them. I worked part-time for six years in a small shop with very limited budget. The costumers were basically “hand-picked”. We got to buy the hardware cheap and learned what was useful and what wasn’t without having to buy it ourselves. It was fun and a learning experience for the most part. I then worked for a company which had their own two-story office building. They sold computers mainly to institutions like schools. They had an amazing repair shop with all the tools and plugs and spare parts you can imagine. They even had an assembly line and a warehouse, and a super-hot blond desk lady everyone was secretly obsessing about. I got to drive through half of germany for weeks on end just basically re-plugging gfx cards or replacing memory sticks and if that didn’t help, bringing the computers back home, occassionally staying on the road in hotels of my choosing. I made a lot of money from paid overtime i spent in traffic jams listening to the radio. I quit after just 6 months to start my career as a Gameboy game developer.
One word of caution: don’t suck too bad at your job, no matter how bad you feel about it, how much you’re not motivated right now, how much you’re pissed off because of your boss, coworker or the stupid bugs that only you are getting. How to do that is anyone’s guess. I don’t have a success formula for that, other than: don’t suck!
You are not the greatest, either! Keep that in mind. No matter how much you believe in what you do, always be open for suggestions. Don’t try to convince people, listen to them, incorporate some of their suggestion in your work where it doesn’t hurt or matter, then keep doing what you believe in. It’s the best way to make both sides happy. But again: no success formula for that. How do detergent companies and bio yoghurt companies come up with their formulas? Ah, i remember now … they pull them out of thin air and make them sound good by applying effective-sounding words like “bio” or “dura” or “mono” or “pH neutral” or other such things. It makes your gut bacteria go crazy just to hear them. Hmmmm ….
Tell people only what they need to know. You have no time and lots of people to inform and also more important things on your mind. It’s understandable you want to get this over with quickly. The game needs to move forward and the decision is righteous and sufficiently researched. Have an answer prepared for any critical question that may pop up. Just don’t consult with the people who are affected by the decision before you make it. That will just slow you down. This was sarcasm. Or was it cynism? I always get the two mixed up.
Games have a set of defined rules. The best games are said to be easy to learn and hard to master. Teams, on the other hand, have no set of defined rules. Developing great games is hard to learn and almost impossible to master. Wait a minute, don’t we have a code of conduct? Naming guidelines? Coding conventions? Acceptable behavior talks? Sexual offense education? Disciplinary actions? Fixed meeting schedules? Rules for properly flushing the toilet and refilling toilet paper after each use? Don’t fool yourself: how often are these rules broken? More than they are followed is my best guess. And that affects only the team … did you know that great games are sometimes made by breaking the rules at the right times? You should be happy you’re having such a team of non-conformists.
On a related note, i can wholeheartedly recommend reading this Book excerpt on Gamasutra: How Game Developers Choose Leaders
Today i’ve had some time to think more about Passion. My girlfriend and i were cleaning up the house, throwing out old stuff to make room for less old stuff. A couple of things popped into my head here and there. One being that i need more exercise. I’m exhausted.
I also remembered this one time i’ve actually asked for a raise because i wasn’t satisfied with my pay. You see, you can make more money if you’re not in the game business. Ah, oh, you knew? Well, i hadn’t gotten a raise for years, so …. Alarm! Alarm! Isn’t that a warning sign of having lost passion for making games if you’re asking for more money? Not that i was making not enough. Not that money makes you happier, or more motivated. Not that it would have made any difference for me personally.
I also had to think about a friend and former coworker of mine. A brazilian guy who was so not cliché, meaning he didn’t play soccer at all – except on the Playstation. He was a great asset to the team, i believe, not because of the work he did or the knowledge he had. No, because of his character. He was a very friendly, honest and approachable guy and truely cared for everyone around him. But most of all he showed passion for what he did. My opinion now is, if i had the chance to hire someone like him for my team, i would – it wouldn’t matter if there were better candidates with more experience or knowledge. People like him are great facilitators, and great facilitators are important for building great teams. And with enough passion you can make up for almost any lack of knowledge or experience.
Some embarrassing feelings came up, too. Should i delete what i wrote yesterday? I don’t like it anymore. Maybe i should add someting, clarify, add more details? But no … i shouldn’t. I really shouldn’t because what’s said is said and only needs to be done. Follow up on what i say, i should say. If i don’t, then there goes credibility. Also, i shouldn’t be afraid of lecturing if i have the passion. But doubt kills passion in an instant. However, if i do hold that lecture i should strife for two things: no slides and involving the audience. Entertaining them as much as educating them. The best way to do that is to involve the audience. Not sure if that’s possible, it’s been maybe 4 years since my last talk during a GCDC and that was in front of 20-30 people in a very small room. I’m not sure what to expect from GDC Cologne.
I’ve been a Manager, too. I almost forgot. Probably because i wasn’t. It was just a title. I was eager to learn but had no passion for all the managerial things. You know, if you know that you’re not heading off a cliff, isn’t that enough? No, you gotta make plans and deliver documents for 3rd parties and what not. Too bad i didn’t know about Scrum back then. Probably wouldn’t have mattered though, since you need strong backbone to actually implement it. I wanted to remain connected with the team but not knowing what i got myself into the connection was already on the decline. It wasn’t at all like my experiences at NEON as Lead Level Designer and for the most part, i blamed it on me. At the same time, i did not connect with the rest of the management team either. It remained a foreign world for me. It became especially noticeable in meetings where only those talked who got to start talking before the other person had fully finished his/her last sentence, strictly kept talking and/or raising the voice if two or more people started talking at the same time, or blatantly interrupted others. This type of conversational behavior remains foreign to me to this date. Actually, it’s nothing but rude and offensive, period.
On a positive note i remember that i once wanted to make a game with Physics. At that time my tool of choice for making hobby games was Game Maker which hadn’t any support for Physics. So i took the Open Dynamics Engine (ODE) and wrote a DLL wrapper for Game Maker. I didn’t actually make any games with it, just some fun demos and testlevels. However it eventually spawned the “physics movement” in the Game Maker community, culminating in such excellent titles like Ragdoll Matrix. I certainly had fun porting ODE, even more fun seeing it in action and playing around with it. In addition i learned a great deal about ODE and extending Game Maker via DLLs. Unfortunately the code was rather sloppy, as it was initially intended to be only for my personal use (what a lame excuse, i know) and i don’t think i ever released the source code – probably out of shame but it’s a shame in itself because i’m sure someone would have picked it up, fixed the bugs, added new features and maintained it to make use of newer ODE version features. Still i remember fondly working on GM_ODE and most of all, that it gave the community the ability to create games that weren’t possible before (with Game Maker).
Oh my … is it 1000 words already? Again? Damn i keep writing such long-winded posts … if only there were someone reading them and eventually leaving a comment.
Nah, don’t worry, just read. No pressure. Just come back for more updates … or else! 
“Ok, we’ll do Scrum from now on. Team, you manage yourself now!”
Uhm … yeah.
This is exaggerated what i feel has happened to me personally. I say this because i can’t speak for the rest of the team i work with but i’m very certain that i’m not the only one feeling the effects.
What effects?
Like, feeling overwhelmed, for example. Needing someone who you can at least talk to, in an ideal case to share some work as well, in order to keep things in check. Managing everything that is thrown at you yourself … well, in my case, it eats away a lot of time and energy. I’ve tried both … reducing the self-management clearly doesn’t work and reducing the quality in my work isn’t satisfying either. However, either of the two have to suffer. Or both.
It’s not that i’ve had to do too much work to do. I certainly didn’t need to go into “crunch” mode. No. I’m talking about a different kind of stress that appears when you are trying to manage all sorts of requests and bug reports from all kinds of people on the team, sometimes even outside of the team, and then also trying to go about your normal (expected) line of work.
When i was looking for help, the typical response was “Please take care of that yourself.”. Yes, we are an empowered team. (but are we? after re-reading this, i have my doubts) … However, there are times when you need help, and you may not know how to express it other than crying for “Help!” in some way or another. You know, who is able to exactly say why things feel like they’re going out of control, at the moment the control is being lost? So yes, being told to take care of it yourself – it’s in a way correct and it works but it also offloads a shitload of responsibility to me that i wasn’t looking for, with no way to defend against it. Plus now i feel bad because i had to be told to clean up my own mess. Thanks mommy (not!), for the friendly reminder …
The work i do – on at least 4 major code components and tools – plus a little managing people on the side, is regularly too much weight to manage all by myself. I simply have too many open loose ends, or strings that could break any moment, sometimes also things that i ignored because there was no time but they keep coming back at the worst of times. Behind each of these ends and strings is more than just one stakeholder, any of which could approach me at any given moment in time. These open ends and lingering work and ghostly popping in of stakeholders creates a lot of ongoing tension and unease. There’s a lot of people asking for information or support from me because two of the things (Scripting, Database) i worked on are very central things for the work we do and are used by a lot of people. Roughly 20-30 at any given time. Add to that such hot topics as localization and the process to get it safely through translation, proofreading and correctly back into the database.
And now please tell me again why i don’t need a person who keeps these things away from me as long as possible. In other words: a filter, a gatekeeper, a human shield … an effective Scrum Master!
It’s all those daily little disturbances, questions, small requests, the different stakeholders at play and what not that really drain the energy from me pretty quickly. Plus it disturbes my concentration, and that is often key to getting anything but the basic stuff done with quality (remember: i’m a coder). So to cope, what i did is to drop quality (heya, Mr. Schwaber, sound familiar?). Unnoticeable at first but once you have one of those days where everything seems to be going downhill, there’s just no room for testing, following up, looking for alternate solutions. At times like these i basically stopped caring for the work i do. On the other hand, i never did, but occassionally i get asked by peers wether i still care about the work i do – which hurts even more because i do, i really do, it’s just … i can’t. It’s sometimes impossible to care because if i would, i would … go crazy!
Now this whole situation isn’t as dramatic as it may sound but for me personally, there are days where it really feels like the end of the world is upon me. While from the outside it may seem to work pretty well indeed, i can imagine. Sometimes i even get praise for doing the work so quickly, so effectively. And this praise fed to my self-loathing because it’s just not true. I mean, it’s not what i feel to be true. Little do they know … about the quality that is lost. About the missed opportunities. About … almost anything, i fear. Rightfully?
Well, it’s still praise but it feels like … damnation. And it’s not like i’m hiding anything. I can say what i do, and why i did it and i stand by it. I understand the psychology behind it. Luckily, by researching Scrum over Xmas i finally understood why it happened to me and how i should be able to solve it. Also, i’ve been working in teams before that worked well together with little outside disturbance. So it’s definetely possible.
Inside of me, i carry a little flaming ball of hatred for how we’re working that continuously gives off some energy that i try to transform into positive feedback for the things that work well, and the rest i take as incentive to change the things that don’t work.
If, from reading all of this, you have deduced that we either have Scrum Masters not doing the work that i believe they are supposed to do, or no Scrum Masters at all – you are correct. Both cases apply. I don’t blame it on them though, they are typically really great peers and do a great job … but i’m not sure they understood the importance of being Scrum Masters, or what they’re supposed to do, or maybe there’s other things keeping them from achieving true Scrum Mastery. It’s probably simply because most of them are managers and have a shitload of managing to do and just wish (*beg*) the team would work all by themselves. And the few Scrum Masters who are members of the team, they don’t even know what it means to be a Scrum Master. They haven’t been told. They got no training. They aren’t coached and mentored. The whole team never actually learned about Scrum. This is our number 1 mistake!
The good thing is: i may become a Scrum Master myself soon, and i know what i want to achieve, and i think i know how it can be achieved – and i’m ready to step onto some toes if need be. But most of all, i want to lead by example, and make it unmistakebly clear where our problems are and how i would go about solving them.
Because i have nothing to lose!
My New Year’s resolution – i haven’t told many people so far – is to make a difference in 2009. For the benefit of the team. If i fail, or the resistance is too high, or things change too slowly, or it drags me down too much – i’ll be looking for someplace else to work! End of 2009 will be the time for revisiting, and making a decision. This is the deadline i’m working towards.
But …. don’t get me wrong! I love my work. I love what we do, i think we have great talent in the team and many have the right mindset. We just don’t know how to get the most out of it. In some areas, we’re pretty much blind and deaf. Day-to-day work efforts make us miss opportunities for improving or executing long-term goals. I want to change that because i really want this, my job, the team, the work we do, to go forward. This fuels my little ball of flaming hatred. I see the wasteland before me. And i don’t want to have to decide to quit my job at the end of the year!
Through my experience from last year, or the last two years, i decided that my number one priority when working as a Scrum Master should be: shielding the team from outside influences. I will have to become the bad conscience to those who can’t be held back, just to raise awareness that this isn’t the normal way to do things anymore, it’s the exception!
On second place comes training, coaching, providing feedback – actually anything that raises awareness and allows the team to truely manage itself – making sure everyone is aware of how we work and why we work that way and accepts it even if some might not like it. About everything else, we can talk, and we should.
PS: check that Scrum Resources link to the left if you are curious to know what Scrum is and/or if you intend to learn more about it.
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